{"id":1652,"date":"2022-04-24T20:47:12","date_gmt":"2022-04-24T19:47:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pbthomas.com\/blog\/?p=1652"},"modified":"2022-04-24T20:47:13","modified_gmt":"2022-04-24T19:47:13","slug":"helping-people-through-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/pbthomas.com\/blog\/?p=1652","title":{"rendered":"Helping people through grief"},"content":{"rendered":"

These are the notes that went with this message, rather than a transcription of what was said. As with all our recent sermons, you can watch the video in the North Springfield Baptist Church Facebook Group, or on the YouTube Channel for North Springfield Baptist Church Chelmsford UK.<\/p>\n

What could I say? Helping other people through grief<\/p>\n

\u201cGrief is coping with loss. Grief is our normal response when someone or something of value is lost,
\nand the griever is faced with the emptiness and the problems of readjusting.\u201d<\/p>\n

Aspects of grief
\nGrief is complicated. It affects us profoundly in a number of ways: our emotions, our thought processes and our relationships with other people. Grief can also have physical effects on our sleep patterns, our appetite, our energy levels and our health. And grief has a spiritual dimension \u2013 many people find grieving affects their relationship with God.
\nYou have probably already experienced grief as a result of bereavement, maybe after the death of a parent or another loved one, so you know how grief felt for you.<\/p>\n

Sometimes grief can be so painful that people think that they must be doing something wrong. But the reality is that grief is always painful. There is no \u201cright\u201d or \u201cwrong\u201d way to grieve. Grieving is a process we need to go through, and there is no way round it, although I will make some suggestions about things which can help.<\/p>\n

Causes of grief<\/p>\n

\u2022\tDeath of a loved one
\n\u2022\tLoss of a beloved pet
\n\u2022\tLoss of a job \u2013 especially through sacking, redundancy or retirement
\n\u2022\tLoss of a friendship
\n\u2022\tLoss of a romantic relationship \u2013 divorce is the death of a marriage.
\n\u2022\tLoss of a physical ability e.g. sight, mobility, due to accident or illness
\n\u2022\tLoss of a personal dream or aspiration<\/p>\n

Grief is a process<\/p>\n

Stage 1\tDENIAL Shock, Numbness\t\t5-7 days
\nStage 2\tANGER emotional Release, Guilt A few months
\nStage 3\tBARGAINING
\nStage 4\tDEPRESSION Yearning, Disorganisation, Despair\tA year or two
\nStage 5\tACCEPTANCE and reorientation\t\t\tOngoing<\/p>\n

Some people misunderstand the idea of stages of grief. They are not sequential. You can\u2019t say \u201cI\u2019ve moved on from denial and now I am in anger.\u201d The stages overlap and some people sometimes experience them out of order. The reality is that for everybody \u201cGrief is a roller-coaster.\u201d But recognising the process helps some people find hope that things will get less painful in time.<\/p>\n

FOUR TASKS every person who is grieving faces
\n1. Accepting the reality of the loss
\n2. Feeling and admitting the pain of the loss
\n3. Adjusting to the new environment without the lost
\n4. Forming new relationships without the lost<\/p>\n

When bereavement can be more difficult
\nWhen the death is exceptionally untimely, e.g. death of a child or baby
\nDeath by suicide
\nDeath following prolonged terminal illness
\nWhen the cause of death is incomprehensible
\nWhen the survivor feels guilt because they caused the death
\nThe first experience of major grief is often harder.
\nGrief experienced in childhood can be harder
\nWhen the mourner was extremely dependent on the lost person
\nWhen the mourner was the primary carer for the lost person \u2013 they have lost not only the person they loved but also much of their daily activities
\nWhen mourner and deceased were so close there were no other relationships
\nWork, family or other circumstances disallow expressions of grief
\nThe dead person extracted promises e.g. not to grieve, be sad, remarry, move
\nThe griever believes that Christian joy should prevent sadness and grief<\/p>\n

IN OTHER SIGNIFICANT LOSSES \u2013 divorce, the death of a marriage, redundancy can have equivalent factors making them more difficult or complex.<\/p>\n

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF \u2013 e.g. in terminal illness or dementia, grieving in advance for what one is about to lose. This is present for the person who is passing as well as for their loved ones. Anticipatory grief mourns for the past which will never come again, for the present as the dying person becomes more incapacitated and for the future experiences which will never be shared, as well as for the death.<\/p>\n

When grief goes wrong – the warning signs
\nPretending the dead person is still alive
\nExcessive and premature \u201cjumping back\u201d into normal life
\nUnwillingness to talk about the deceased
\nTendency to speak about the deceased person in the present, as if still alive
\nOpen or subtle threats of self-destruction
\nPersisting deep depression, guilt and low self-esteem
\nAntisocial behaviour
\nExcessive hostility, moodiness or guilt
\nExcessive drinking or drug abuse
\nWithdrawal and refusal to interact with any others
\nPersisting psychosomatic illnesses
\nVeneration of objects linked to the deceased e.g. refusing to change the room
\nRefusal to accept counselling or other help
\nStoic refusal to show emotion or appear affected by the loss: denial\/avoidance
\nImpulsiveness or intense busyness and unusual hyperactivity<\/p>\n

Advice for a person who is grieving
\n\u2022\tTake your time. Take things slowly.
\n\u2022\tGet plenty of rest, eat good meals and try to get regular exercise
\n\u2022\tReading, puzzles or games can help calm your thoughts.
\n\u2022\tBe easy on yourself. Your body, your mind and your emotions all need time to heal from the shock and sadness of your loss.
\n\u2022\tAvoid making major decisions too soon if possible.
\n\u2022\tAccept help and support when offered, even in simple practical tasks.
\n\u2022\tBe prepared to ask for help and support.
\n\u2022\tAccept that pain is part of the grieving process it should not be ignored.
\n\u2022\tCrying helps
\n\u2022\tTake time to do things that you enjoy, especially on significant dates.
\n\u2022\tBe open to the help of your minister or a counsellor.
\n\u2022\tDon\u2019t feel guilty when enjoying good times with family and friends<\/p>\n

What could I say?
\n\u2022\tPeople must each go through their own journey of grief, but your love and support can help them through that process.
\n\u2022\tThe things you do and your attitude are more important than your words. Nothing you can do will make everything better for a person who is grieving.
\n\u2022\tDon\u2019t let your own grief impose on theirs. Be patient \u2013 give them time and space. Don\u2019t hurry them
\n\u2022\tEncourage and support expressions of emotion.
\n\u2022\tAccept and do not judge any expressions of grief.
\n\u2022\tDon\u2019t impose answers but help people to find their own answers to the problems they face.
\n\u2022\tListen to anything they want to talk about
\n\u2022\tMake sure you keep any promises you make, but also set limits on what you do.
\n\u2022\tRemember that the processes of grief are shaped by religion and culture.
\n\u2022\tWatch out for grieving difficulties, when professional help might be needed.<\/p>\n

DO
\n\uf0d8\tPray for them and offer to pray with them
\n\uf0d8\tEncourage discussion of the loss before and after
\n\uf0d8\tBe present and available
\n\uf0d8\tEncourage expressions of feelings
\n\uf0d8\tAccept without surprise any expressions of grief
\n\uf0d8\tBe a careful listener
\n\uf0d8\tGently challenge irrational attitudes
\n\uf0d8\tOffer practical help
\n\uf0d8\tGently offer guidance on major decisions<\/p>\n

DO NOT
\n\uf0d8\tPreach or give simplistic answers
\n\uf0d8\tPush or pressurise
\n\uf0d8\tCriticise expressions of grief or grieving rituals
\n\uf0d8\tEncourage major decisions
\n\uf0d8\tDO NOT SAY things like \u201cDon\u2019t cry\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019ll soon get over it\u201d or \u201cI know how you feel\u201d<\/p>\n

Bible passages for bereavement and grief
\nWe can encourage with our Christian hope, but only when it is Christians who are mourning for Christians who have died, with e.g. John 11:25-26 or 1 Peter 1:3-5. And even Christians need to be encouraged to mourn rather than bury their genuine grief under Christian joy. For everybody, the best passage to turn to is Jesus at the Graveside of Lazarus in John 11.<\/p>\n

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.
\nJesus wept.
\nThen the Jews said, \u2018See how he loved him!\u2019 (John 11:35:36)
\nGrief and weeping are natural. God understands our grief. Jesus experienced grief for Lazarus and the Father grieved for the Son dying on the cross.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

These are the notes that went with this message, rather than a transcription of what was said. As with all our recent sermons, you…<\/span><\/p>\n

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