We are all growing older all the time. “Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)
“Growing older” affects everybody in at least four ways. Biologically, our bodies, health and senses can deteriorate. Psychologically, our mental capacity can be affected. Socially, many people interact less well with other people. Functionally, our activities and ability to cope independently can be restricted.
There are some good things about growing older. You get better at using what you have learned – this is called crystallised intelligence. Most people become nicer – more happy, less grumpy, less angry, getting on better with other people. As their circumstances change, for example when there are fewer family responsibilities or when they give up work, many people feel less stressed or under pressure. As long as folk pace themselves they can remain productive. Many find that they enjoy their own company more as they get older, although they have more family and friends who they miss because they are no longer there.
Within most of our lifetimes more than a quarter of the UK population will be over 65. On average older people they have enough money but a significant proportion do live in poverty. In the workplace a third of workers are over 50, more in public services and as keyworkers. Many 50+s are very active providing unpaid care, or volunteering, with 65-74s the most active in volunteering. Over 50s account for more than half of consumer spending.
But then growing older has its down sides. Our bodies do change. In general people are physically less strong, with less stamina. They tend to experience problems with their health more often, and for some this may affect their minds and their memory. Many people find that they become more anxious and fearful, often because they feel less confident about being able to cope with changing circumstances or unexpected events. This problem can grow if they do have an accident like a fall, or an injury or an illness. Many people in later years find their lives overshadowed by grief, not only for the friends they have lost but also anticipatory grief for their own deaths.
In modern Western societies for many older people the situation is complicated by many people living much longer and by many families being fragmented. More older people are living alone and facing problems alone nowadays. Many older people are living in poverty, many are suffering from loneliness and some end up struggling with depression.
When it comes to growing older, the Bible has one consistent message. Older people should be respected and honoured, valued and cared for.
This is the Fifth Commandment Exodus 20 12 ‘Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Leviticus 19 32 ‘ “Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.
Proverbs talks about the respect children should show for their parents.
Proverbs 1 8 Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. 9 They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.
Proverbs 30 17 ‘The eye that mocks a father, that scorns an aged mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures.
Jesus himself quoted the Fifth Commandment
Matthew 15 4 For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’
That second quotation comes from Leviticus.
Leviticus 20 9 ‘ “Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Because they have cursed their father or mother, their blood will be on their own head.
The Bible commands honours older people. In contrast to the Bible’s view, society today often fails to show appropriate respect for older people. On the contrary, there is often prejudice and discrimination against older people. This issue is labelled “Ageism” – the stereotyping, prejudice and discrimination against people on the basis of their age. It is a widespread and damaging problem which has harmful effects on older adults and on society as a whole. Structural and institutional ageism can be manifested in many forms. You can find ageism in the workplace, in patterns of promotion and in recruitment processes. Ageism can operate in access to health services and care provision. There are ageist stereotypes in TV and advertising and in the marketing of products. Ageism pits age groups against each other and reduces people to stereotypes. In particular, it is appallingly ageist, inaccurate and unjust to represent later life as a time of frailty and inevitable decline. Ageism is bad for individuals and bad for society. It divides the generations. Ageism means that some people limit themselves in how much they can enjoy their longer lives and the activities they do. At the same time economies and labour markets often fail to realise the full potential of older workers and of consumers.
Christians and churches should take a stand against all forms of ageism. We should speak of an OLDER person or of OLDER people, and NOT say OLD person or OLD people or Old Age Pensioners (OAP) or “the Elderly”. We need to avoid metaphors that present older age as some kind of problem or crisis. We should firmly reject ideas that an ageing population is some kind of Grey tsunami or Silver tsunami, or a demographic cliff or a demographic timebomb. These wrong ideas all portray older age and the ‘baby boomer’ generation as a growing burden on society. This is unfair, untrue, and damaging to relationships between the generations.
Oprah Winfrey said this. “We live in a youth-obsessed culture that is constantly trying to tell us that if we are not young, and we’re not glowing, and we’re not hot, that we don’t matter. I refuse to let a system or a culture or a distorted view of reality tell me that I don’t matter. I know that only by owning who and what you are can you start to step into the fullness of life. Every year should be teaching us all something valuable. Whether you get the lesson is really up to you.”
There are systemic problems with the ways our society views growing old and the way we treat older people. These affect the attitudes of younger people but they can also damage the self-esteem and self-worth of people as they grow older.
Archbishop Rowan Williams observed, “Quite a lot of our contemporary culture is actually shot through with a resentment of limits and the passage of time, anger at what we can’t do, fear or even disgust at growing old.”
Christians and churches should stand out as different by showing older people the love and respect which the Bible commands. We should stand alongside and stand up for older people. We live in a society which is marginalising older people more and more. We must be careful that we do not fall into the same trap within the church.
It will be good to ask ourselves what more we as a church could be doing to support older people. Part of that could well be to do with helping folk as they are struggling through grief. Another part could be to explore ways in which we could support folk who are working hard caring for older relatives and friends. Both individually and as a church, we must aim to help older people to maintain their independence, and demonstrate that they are very much valued, e.g. by involving and consulting them in everything. We must be sensitive as we introduce changes, both because older friends can often find change more difficult than younger people and also because change can imply criticism which we would never actually intend of “the way things used to be.”
In the Bible, older people are respected simply because they are older. “The Elders” led both community and church, usually simply because they were old! In contras ,“ageism” in our culture means that older people with their wisdom and experience are not always valued as they once were. I came across a quote which struck a chord with me. “Growing old is when you know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.”
The Bible sees things quite differently.
Job 12 12 Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?
It is sad to see so many examples when society and even the church hands too much responsibility on to young people too early, and things usually don’t end well.
I came across a fascinating story in the Book of 1 Kings which deserves a sermon of its own, but I will just have to summarise it tonight. When King Solomon died his two sons fought over his Kingdom, Rehaboam and Jereboam. The people were complaining and we read,
1 Kings 12 6 Then King Rehoboam consulted the elders who had served his father Solomon during his lifetime. “How would you advise me to answer these people?” he asked.
7 They replied, “If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants.”
8 But Rehoboam rejected the advice the elders gave him and consulted the young men who had grown up with him and were serving him. 9 He asked them, “What is your advice? How should we answer these people who say to me, ‘Lighten the yoke your father put on us’?”
10 The young men who had grown up with him replied, “Tell these people who have said to you, ‘Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but make our yoke lighter’—tell them, ‘My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. 11 My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.’ ”

So we read, 13 The king answered the people harshly. Rejecting the advice given him by the elders, 14 he followed the advice of the young men.

And things went downhill from then on. The lesson is transparent. Young people ignore the wisdom of their elders to everybody’s peril. And that can be just as true in the life of the church as it is throughout society.

The church as the family of God should be supporting older people in any ways we can, not only spiritually but in practical ways as well. In many places the Old Testament commands the people of God to give support to three particular groups of people, to widows, to orphans and to refugees. Our reading in 1 Timothy 5 give us an example of a “Widows List” of people being supported financially by the church.
1 Timothy 5 3 Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. … 5 The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help.
From here and also from Acts 6, it is clear that from the very earliest days churches put systems in place to help those in need. But no church would have had a bottomless purse. So it is interesting that Paul also gives a list of criteria which should be used to decide whether a widow should be added to the Widows List
9 No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, 10 and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the Lord’s people, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds.

In Paul’s instructions, not all widows would be entitled to be supported by the church, but only those who are living out their Christian calling through love and good deeds. The widow’s list was only for those who had no other means of support. In 1 Timothy 5 Paul lays out the responsibility children and grandchildren have in caring for their own family.
4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. … . 7 Give the people these instructions, so that no one may be open to blame. 8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

In Scripture the primary responsibility for providing for people as they grew older lay with their family. Their children and grandchildren would give them a home, provide their food and take care of any medical needs they had. For most families this was the pattern in Britain even into the 20rh century and still is in many cultures around the world today, especially in rural communities. For us, different factors have eroded this tradition over the last few generations. Among other things, city life is different from rural life. People very often move long distances from their parents for education or to find work. Life expectancy is much longer nowadays. Families tend to have far fewer children and both parents often have demanding jobs. So how should we apply to our lives today the things Paul says about children and grandchildren taking care of their parents as they get older?
Many of us have had to worth these questions through for ourselves, balancing responsibilities to our own children and our work with supporting parents who, unlike in Bible times, may be living hundreds or even thousands of miles away. The reality is that there are very many people who would be able to take care of the practical daily needs of an elderly person. Only their children and grandchildren can share memories with them. So unless children or grandchildren are in a position to give up their jobs to become carers, I believe that it can be appropriate and even wise to turn to the Welfare State and to Care Homes to provide for our parents’ practical needs. Personally I will not be looking to my own children to invite me to live with them or to take care of me if that should ever become necessary.
As far as the church supporting older people is concerned, churches must struggle to find a balance between two very important needs, pastoral care and evangelism.
As we grow older, we all face the prospect of dying.
“To me, growing old is great. It’s the very best thing – considering the alternative.” – Michael Caine
Churches are called to demonstrate Christian love and community in offering pastoral care, practical care and support to older people, especially to “the household of faith”. But there is also the challenge which is often neglected to present the gospel to people, to help them prepare to face death and judgement before it is too late.

ADVICE FOR US ALL AS WE GROW OLDER
There are all kinds of myths about “how to age successfully.” It is often not the case that how a person experiences the advancing years is a matter of the individual’s choice or a consequence of their actions. How a person ages is often more a product of their environments than of their personal choices. Recognising that, there are still some words of helpful advice we can give as we all grow older.,
“Keep on taking exercise.”
“Keep up with the tech.”
“Keep on learning new things.”
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.” – Walt Disney
“You’re never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis
We are never too old to do, by God’s grace, what God calls us to do. Abraham was 75 years old when God called him to leave his home and set out in faith on a journey where he wasn’t even told the destination. Moses was 80 years old when God called him to lead his chosen people out of slavery in Egypt and 120 years old by the time he had led the people through the wilderness to stand on the border of the promised land. Who knows what God may call us to do in our later years. Retirement may bring challenges, but it also brings new opportunities.
And as we become less active physically, we may have more time to pray and to meditate and to learn from the Bible. When we are not in a position to attempt so many great things for God, we can still seek to draw near to God. We can still aspire to grow in grace and in wisdom and in character and strive to become more like Jesus. Billy Graham said, “When granted many years of life, growing old in age is natural, but growing old with grace is a choice. Growing older with grace is possible for all who will set their hearts and minds on the Giver of grace, the Lord Jesus Christ.”
May God give us all the grace to press on to see him more clearly, love him more dearly and follow him more nearly day by day.

It is a sad reality of the human condition that life is often full of disappointments!
Something we don’t want to happen does. Or we have a hope or expectation or longing for something but what we want to happen does not!

We can experience disappointments with LIFE in general. These can begin in school with exam results, or in hobbies or sports matches or music performances. We can also experience disappointment in our work lives – overlooked for promotion once again, or even getting fired. Sometimes disappointment comes because our expectations were unrealistic. But sometimes disappointments are unexpected and undeserved.

We can have disappointments with PEOPLE. At work, in friendships, in romantic relationships, even in church life, we can find ourselves disappointed with people. Sometimes it’s the other person’s fault. Sometimes it is actually our fault.

Sometimes we can feel disappointed with GOD. If life not working out as we hoped. Maybe we looked for God’s blessing and the blessings did not come. Perhaps our prayers were not answered in the way we would like. Believers and non-believers can all find ourselves disappointed with God sometimes.

Disappointment can affect people in a variety of ways. Mentally. Emotionally. Socially. Even physically. We can be disturbed, distressed, discouraged, dismayed, disheartened, depressed, distraught, disaffected, disillusioned, downright dismal, even (as Edmund Blackadder would say) discombobulated (real word = disconcerted and confused).

Disappointment can lead to pessimism and a negative view on life.

We can become cynical – Murphy’s Law – general laws of life:
“Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time,”
If you think there’s nothing wrong, you havent understood the problem.
“Make something idiot-proof, and they will build a better idiot”.
Specific laws – The odds that the falling toast will land jam side down are directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
If you’re running late the bus will be early.
The odds are six to five that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

It’s sad when people get disappointed by life. Disappointment makes us not want to try again – not want to hope. We discussed this when we talked about coping with failure. Disappointment traps us in our comfort zones – we aren’t prepared to take any more risks. We don’t like to hope because we fear our hopes will be dashed. Alexander Pope said, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he will never be disappointed!”
When we talked about how to cope with experiences of failure, we said that Christians are not immune from failing. We reminded ourselves that it is entirely possible to make no errors and still not to succeed. We said that it is important not to allow fear of failure stop us from trying again in the future. And we shouldn’t let our self-esteem be tied to succeeding in life. Instead we should find our self-worth in the infinite love God has for us.
We also talked briefly last week about how disappointments can lead us into grief. If our dreams and aspirations are crushed, we will experience grief. In some cases this is anticipatory grief, grieving not so much for what we have lost as for what might have been. In many ways we need to deal with disappointment in the same way as we deal with grief.

It’s also very sad when people get disappointed by other people. If our relationship with another person breaks down, this will bring us disappointment, and even more so if they let us down or fail us or betray us in some way. The loss of relationship can be like a bereavement and so, again, everything we said last week about how we can deal with grief comes into play. Disappointment can also make us close in on ourselves. It can stop us from taking the risk of trusting other people and makes us rely on ourselves. Disappointment can stop us from putting ourselves in a place where we might get hurt again.

It’s very sad when people feel that God has disappointed them

Disappointment stops us from praying bold prayers – we only pray “safe” prayers. It stops us from stepping out on a limb in faith for God – we won’t risk being disappointed again. It stops us expecting miracles from God! It stops us from getting excited about God!

In this situation there is something very important to say. God does not disappoint people! So if we are disappointed it may be because we misunderstood God, or because we did the wrong thing or asked for the wrong thing. Often God is trying to teach us patience and faith but we want him to give us patience immediately – right now. God does not disappoint us.

Are you feeling disappointed about anything tonight? Disappointed with life? Disappointed with other people? Disappointed with God?

ANTIDOTE TO DISAPPOINTMENT
1. Take your disappointments to God

PSALM 31 1 In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.
9 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.

If life has disappointed us – if people have let us down – take it to God in prayer.
Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy-laden, Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Saviour, still our refuge, Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? Take it to the Lord in prayer;
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee, Thou wilt find a solace there.

God longs to help us and heal us and give us his peace. We need to put our trust in God.

We need to take our disappointments to God, then you need to
2. Put your trust in God

When life has disappointed us or people have disappointed us, we should put our trust in God.
14 But I trust in you, LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’
15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, LORD, for I have cried out to you;

24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Sometimes people can feel that it is God himself who has disappointed us.

Isaiah28:16 So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
“See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who trusts will never be dismayed. Will never be disappointed. (NIV 1984)

That verse is so important that it is quoted at least three times in N.T. Roman chapter 9 and chapter 11 and also in
1 Peter 2:6 “Look! I’m setting a stone in Zion, a cornerstone in the place of honor.
Whoever trusts in this stone as a foundation will never have cause to regret it.” MESSAGE

Christ is the cornerstone! If we build our lives on Him He will never let us down. He is the sure unshakeable foundation. He will NEVER disappoint us! No disappointments!

We take our disappointments to God and put our trust in God and then
3. Put your hope in God

There are no hopeless situations – only people who have lost hope!
“Hope is not a passion for the possible, but a passion for the promise!”
With God ALL things are possible. If we will only trust in God’s promises.

Psalm 25 1 In you, LORD my God, I put my trust.
2 I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, (will EVER be disgraced!)

ISAIAH 49 23 ,,, you will know that I am the LORD;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed.’

These are the promises of the ALMIGHTY all powerful Sovereign God who is MORE THAN ABLE to keep his promises. These are the promises of the HOLY and JUST God who is totally righteous and would never break His promises. These are the promises of the ALL-LOVING God who IS love – who loves us so much that he gave His Son Jesus Christ to redeem us – who loves us so much that He would NEVER let us down! So we put our hopes in God.

ROMANS 5:3-5 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

If we are suffering disappointment or discouragement or even persecution – don’t give up! True hope in God WILL NOT disappoint us.

MESSAGE ROMANS 5v 5 … we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

Those who hope in me WILL NOT be disappointed!
No-one whose hope is in you will EVER be put to shame!

You may be disappointed about something tonight. Something small. Something big. Something overwhelmingly crushing huge! Disappointed with life. Disappointed with people. Disappointed with God. Take the antidote to disappointment tonight.
1.Bring your disappointments to God – open up – tell him how you are feeling.
2. Put your trust in God again. Take a leap of faith. He is completely worthy of our trust.
3. Put your hope in God again. Pray prayers of faith daring to expect God to do great things. You may have asked for blessings before and the answer has been “no”. Pray again tonight – dare to hope that this time the answer will be “yes”. No disappointments!
Those who hope in me WILL NOT be disappointed!
No-one whose hope is in you will EVER be put to shame!

But then, what else can we do when it is another person who has upset us? When they let us down? When they break their promises? When they say things which are spiteful or untrue? When they do things which damage us physically or mentally or emotionally or spiritually? What do we do when somebody hurts us?

In such circumstances it is perfectly natural to be angry with the other person. We have talked before about coping with anger and how sometimes some people deal with their anger in unhelpful ways. Sometimes people respond with aggression, or by becoming passive-aggressive. Sometimes the anger is displaced onto innocent bystanders or the anger turns inwards and gets bottled up.

Ephesians 4 26 ‘In your anger do not sin’: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
Good News Bible If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day.
New Living Translation: “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”
In our session on dealing with anger we said these things.
Step 1 – take things slowly.
James 1 19 … everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires
Step 2 Pray

Step 3 Find ways forward – which will normally mean forgiving the other person. The Bible calls Christians to forgive people who offend us or hurt us or disappoint us.

Colossians 3 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

C.S.Lewis has said, “Everybody agrees forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have something to forgive.”

The essence of Christian forgiveness is that God makes a way for us to be forgiven BEFORE we repent.

“It was while we were still sinners that Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) As Jackie Pullinger puts it, “Jesus didn’t wait for me to make good before he died for me.” The Father is out looking waiting for the prodigal to return BEFORE the prodigal comes to his senses and returns to his Father and confesses and repents. (Luke 15) The paralysed man in Mark 2:5 and the woman caught in adultery in John 8:11 are forgiven BEFORE they repent. God forgives us BEFORE we come to him and ask for forgiveness. So in the same way we should seek the grace to forgive others before they repent, before they apologise, even if they never do admit their wrongdoing or say sorry.

Remember the words Jesus spoke as he was dying for our sins. “Father forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.” Jesus sets us an example of God’s kind of forgiveness. Jesus calls us to forgive all those who have harmed us – not for their sake but for our own.
George Herbert wrote, “He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven, for everyone has need to be forgiven.”
We pray, “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”

God’s love forgives AND forgets. 1 Corinthians 13:5 Love keeps no record of wrongs.

There was once a woman who was never known to hold resentment against anyone. One time a friend reminded her of a cruel thing that had happened to her some years previously. The woman seemed not to remember the incident. “Don’t you remember the wrong that was done you?” the friend asked. The woman answered calmly, “No, I distinctly remember forgetting that.”

So God calls us to forgive each other as He has forgiven us.

The story goes that when Leonardo da Vinci was painting the Last Supper, he had an intense, bitter argument with a fellow painter. Leonardo was so enraged that he decided to paint the face of his enemy into the face of Judas. That way the hated painter’s face would be preserved for ages in the face of the betraying disciple. When Leonardo finished Judas, everyone easily recognized the face of the painter with whom Leonardo quarrelled.
Leonardo continued to work on the painting. But as much as he tried, he could not paint the face of Christ. Something was holding him back.
Leonardo decided his hatred toward his fellow painter was the problem. So he worked through his hatred by repainting Judas’ face, replacing the image of his fellow painter with another face. Only then was he able to paint Jesus’ face and complete the masterpiece.

So if somebody has disappointed you or hurt you in any way, pray that you will be given God’s grace to forgive them from your heart. Take your disappointments to God. Pray. Put your trust in God. Whoever trusts in him will never be disappointed. And put your hope in God.
Those who hope in me WILL NOT be disappointed!
No-one whose hope is in you will EVER be put to shame!

These are the notes that went with this message, rather than a transcription of what was said. As with all our recent sermons, you can watch the video in the North Springfield Baptist Church Facebook Group, or on the YouTube Channel for North Springfield Baptist Church Chelmsford UK.

What could I say? Helping other people through grief

“Grief is coping with loss. Grief is our normal response when someone or something of value is lost,
and the griever is faced with the emptiness and the problems of readjusting.”

Aspects of grief
Grief is complicated. It affects us profoundly in a number of ways: our emotions, our thought processes and our relationships with other people. Grief can also have physical effects on our sleep patterns, our appetite, our energy levels and our health. And grief has a spiritual dimension – many people find grieving affects their relationship with God.
You have probably already experienced grief as a result of bereavement, maybe after the death of a parent or another loved one, so you know how grief felt for you.

Sometimes grief can be so painful that people think that they must be doing something wrong. But the reality is that grief is always painful. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Grieving is a process we need to go through, and there is no way round it, although I will make some suggestions about things which can help.

Causes of grief

• Death of a loved one
• Loss of a beloved pet
• Loss of a job – especially through sacking, redundancy or retirement
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of a romantic relationship – divorce is the death of a marriage.
• Loss of a physical ability e.g. sight, mobility, due to accident or illness
• Loss of a personal dream or aspiration

Grief is a process

Stage 1 DENIAL Shock, Numbness 5-7 days
Stage 2 ANGER emotional Release, Guilt A few months
Stage 3 BARGAINING
Stage 4 DEPRESSION Yearning, Disorganisation, Despair A year or two
Stage 5 ACCEPTANCE and reorientation Ongoing

Some people misunderstand the idea of stages of grief. They are not sequential. You can’t say “I’ve moved on from denial and now I am in anger.” The stages overlap and some people sometimes experience them out of order. The reality is that for everybody “Grief is a roller-coaster.” But recognising the process helps some people find hope that things will get less painful in time.

FOUR TASKS every person who is grieving faces
1. Accepting the reality of the loss
2. Feeling and admitting the pain of the loss
3. Adjusting to the new environment without the lost
4. Forming new relationships without the lost

When bereavement can be more difficult
When the death is exceptionally untimely, e.g. death of a child or baby
Death by suicide
Death following prolonged terminal illness
When the cause of death is incomprehensible
When the survivor feels guilt because they caused the death
The first experience of major grief is often harder.
Grief experienced in childhood can be harder
When the mourner was extremely dependent on the lost person
When the mourner was the primary carer for the lost person – they have lost not only the person they loved but also much of their daily activities
When mourner and deceased were so close there were no other relationships
Work, family or other circumstances disallow expressions of grief
The dead person extracted promises e.g. not to grieve, be sad, remarry, move
The griever believes that Christian joy should prevent sadness and grief

IN OTHER SIGNIFICANT LOSSES – divorce, the death of a marriage, redundancy can have equivalent factors making them more difficult or complex.

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF – e.g. in terminal illness or dementia, grieving in advance for what one is about to lose. This is present for the person who is passing as well as for their loved ones. Anticipatory grief mourns for the past which will never come again, for the present as the dying person becomes more incapacitated and for the future experiences which will never be shared, as well as for the death.

When grief goes wrong – the warning signs
Pretending the dead person is still alive
Excessive and premature “jumping back” into normal life
Unwillingness to talk about the deceased
Tendency to speak about the deceased person in the present, as if still alive
Open or subtle threats of self-destruction
Persisting deep depression, guilt and low self-esteem
Antisocial behaviour
Excessive hostility, moodiness or guilt
Excessive drinking or drug abuse
Withdrawal and refusal to interact with any others
Persisting psychosomatic illnesses
Veneration of objects linked to the deceased e.g. refusing to change the room
Refusal to accept counselling or other help
Stoic refusal to show emotion or appear affected by the loss: denial/avoidance
Impulsiveness or intense busyness and unusual hyperactivity

Advice for a person who is grieving
• Take your time. Take things slowly.
• Get plenty of rest, eat good meals and try to get regular exercise
• Reading, puzzles or games can help calm your thoughts.
• Be easy on yourself. Your body, your mind and your emotions all need time to heal from the shock and sadness of your loss.
• Avoid making major decisions too soon if possible.
• Accept help and support when offered, even in simple practical tasks.
• Be prepared to ask for help and support.
• Accept that pain is part of the grieving process it should not be ignored.
• Crying helps
• Take time to do things that you enjoy, especially on significant dates.
• Be open to the help of your minister or a counsellor.
• Don’t feel guilty when enjoying good times with family and friends

What could I say?
• People must each go through their own journey of grief, but your love and support can help them through that process.
• The things you do and your attitude are more important than your words. Nothing you can do will make everything better for a person who is grieving.
• Don’t let your own grief impose on theirs. Be patient – give them time and space. Don’t hurry them
• Encourage and support expressions of emotion.
• Accept and do not judge any expressions of grief.
• Don’t impose answers but help people to find their own answers to the problems they face.
• Listen to anything they want to talk about
• Make sure you keep any promises you make, but also set limits on what you do.
• Remember that the processes of grief are shaped by religion and culture.
• Watch out for grieving difficulties, when professional help might be needed.

DO
 Pray for them and offer to pray with them
 Encourage discussion of the loss before and after
 Be present and available
 Encourage expressions of feelings
 Accept without surprise any expressions of grief
 Be a careful listener
 Gently challenge irrational attitudes
 Offer practical help
 Gently offer guidance on major decisions

DO NOT
 Preach or give simplistic answers
 Push or pressurise
 Criticise expressions of grief or grieving rituals
 Encourage major decisions
 DO NOT SAY things like “Don’t cry” or “You’ll soon get over it” or “I know how you feel”

Bible passages for bereavement and grief
We can encourage with our Christian hope, but only when it is Christians who are mourning for Christians who have died, with e.g. John 11:25-26 or 1 Peter 1:3-5. And even Christians need to be encouraged to mourn rather than bury their genuine grief under Christian joy. For everybody, the best passage to turn to is Jesus at the Graveside of Lazarus in John 11.

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’ (John 11:35:36)
Grief and weeping are natural. God understands our grief. Jesus experienced grief for Lazarus and the Father grieved for the Son dying on the cross.

Back when I was a successful young chemistry teacher and youth leader I explored the possibility of becoming a regional worker for the Inter-Schools Christian Fellowship, part of Scripture Union. I was encouraged by one of their senior schools workers, whose children were part of the Crusaders Group I led. I got to the final stage of being interviewed but I didn’t get the job, probably because I was completely floored by the question asked by the big chesse, the chairman of Scripture Union. “What makes you angry?” I knew very well that Christian’s aren’t supposed to get angry, so I really couldn’t come up with any answer. For years afterwards I wished I had offered a suitably clever response. “I get angry when people ask ridiculous, irrelevant questions taken from books like ‘Teach Yourself How to do Interviews’.” Only much later did I realise what an inciteful, relevant and important question that was. “What makes me angry?”
Because of course we all do get angry sometimes. Sometimes we show our anger, sometimes we hide it and sometimes we deny it. But everybody gets angry and what matters is how each of us deals with the anger we feel.
Anger is a response to somebody or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong, or to a situation you consider to be unjust or intolerable. That response can be rational or emotional or both. Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or motivate you to find solutions to problems. Anger can also be a bad thing. Excessive anger can cause all kinds of problems. Increased blood pressure, raised heartrate and other physical changes associated with being angry can make it difficult to think straight and can harm your physical and mental health.
ANGER IS NOT NECESSARILY WRONG – GOD GETS ANGRY
Jesus got angry. When the Pharisees were watching to see whether Jesus would heal a man with a withered hand on the Sabbath, we read
Mark 3 4 Then Jesus asked them, ‘Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?’ But they remained silent.
5 He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.
God is angry with sin. The Greek word is the same for anger and for wrath, and there is another word as well translated as anger or fury.
Romans 1 18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness.
Romans 2 5 But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. 6 God ‘will repay each person according to what they have done.’ 7 To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honour and immortality, he will give eternal life. 8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger (or fury).
In very many places the Bible tells us that God is angry with sin and rebellion. God is angry at injustice and unrighteousness and unfaithfulness. God gets angry, but when he does God is angry for the right reasons. Calm collected anger and outrage at such things is entirely appropriate for us too. It is important and right that Christians should get angry at sin and evil, angry enough to proclaim the gospel of forgiveness and speak boldly and prophetically against injustice.
But there are two kinds of problems human beings face when it comes to anger.
(1) BEING ANGRY ABOUT THE WRONG THINGS
Sometimes when we are frustrated with something or somebody we can become angry with the situation or with the person.
Sometimes when we feel threatened we can respond with anger.
Sometimes if somebody hurts us we can strike back in anger.
When we are disappointed about something this can turn into anger.
When we feel out of control in our situation we might respond with anger.
Some people seem to have what we could call an angry personality. They tend to react to situations more strongly and even violently compared to other people. Sometimes this deep underlying anger is due to hurtful things which have happened in the past, maybe even in childhood. Outbursts of anger now can well up from those experiences in the past but can be triggered by very minor events in the present.
There are all kinds of circumstances when we can all end up reacting irrationally or inappropriately or excessively. We are not making a deliberate choice to react to these situations in anger. Instead, anger is the irrational and emotional response every human being makes.
We should keep in mind that there are various factors which can make people more prone to becoming angry, like hunger or tiredness or illness. Alcohol and drugs can remove inhibitions and make us more likely to be angry.
We can become angry about the wrong things without good reason. Then the second kind of problem people have with anger is (2) DEALING WITH ANGER IN UNHELPFUL AND DAMAGING WAYS
“Flying off the handle” and “going into a rage” are never good ways to respond to a bad situation. When they get angry some people become aggressive. This can lead to active or open aggression in physical violence or aggressive words. Fighting, bullying, blackmailing, accusing, shouting, bickering, sarcasm and criticism. These behaviours all come from a need to be in control.
Other people tend to react with passive-aggressive behaviour, being generally uncooperative or unhelpful, or sullen or stubborn or procrastinating.
If we recognise that anger is making us openly aggressive or passive-aggressive, it is important to channel that aggression towards calming and resolving the situation rather than allowing it to make the situation worse. So if a person has done something which has made us angry, it is acceptable to let them know that they have upset us or hurt us. But we should let them know how we are feeling by speaking calmly and patiently rather than in a fit of temper. Handling anger in that way can be helpful in restoring and repairing and strengthening relationships. I will offer a few tips at the end on how we can cope when we get angry.
Sometimes people redirect their anger, in what is termed displaced aggression. If a person is angry but is not able to direct their anger towards the actual cause, perhaps because they are afraid of confrontation, then they end up taking out their anger on a different person or thing which will not hit back. When they are angry some people hit the wall or kick the cat. Very sadly some take out their anger on their partner, or even on their children. For example, some people who are angry with their bosses in the workplace end up misdirecting their anger towards their own families, who are all completely innocent and unconnected to the actual cause of the anger
One common form of redirection or displacement is when some people turn their anger inwards. Instead of being angry with the person or situation which is upsetting them, they unconsciously become angry with themselves. This can lead to low self-esteem, depression and even self-harming.
The other common wrong way by which people deal with anger is by denial. They are subconsciously pretending that the problem doesn’t exist, or that they are not affected by it and that “everything is just fine”. This repressed anger can lead to all kinds of mental health symptoms associated with anxiety and depression, or relationship problems and even physical pains.
People can become angry about the wrong things, and they can deal with their anger in unhelpful ways. So how can we hope when we are angry? And what can we say to somebody who is struggling with anger issues? As always we want to recognise that sometimes the best thing we can do is encourage a person to seek professional help, by talking to a minister or to a counsellor or therapist, especially if they are experiencing issues with their mental health. We will begin by encouraging the person to share with us their feelings of anger, helping them to explore what it actually is which is making them angry.
There are some things which it is right to be angry about, but inappropriate anger is sin.
Galatians 5 19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
If we are angry about the wrong things or if we are handling our anger badly we must repent of that sinful anger. Emotional explosions. “fits of rage” and getting “hopping mad” are never acceptable behaviour for Christians. If people are inappropriately angry we should gently challenge that anger. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus gave solemn warnings about inappropriate anger.
Matthew 5 21 ‘You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, “You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister, will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, “Raca,” is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, “You fool!” will be in danger of the fire of hell.
In Jesus’s own words, anger is as serious as murder. When other people have offended or hurt us, God calls us to forgive them, not just once or seven times but seventy seven times or even seventy times seven. Paul writes in
Ephesians 5 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Especially when anger is inappropriate or unjustified, the best way forward will be to seek until we find God’s grace to forgive the other person. And we can let go of our anger by seeking to be reconciled to that other person.
Sometimes the person we need to forgive is ourselves. If we have really lost our temper, and said things we wish we hadn’t, or behaved even more badly, we will need to ask God’s forgiveness for failing him and then we will need to forgive ourselves.
The Bibles says we need to turn away from anger.
Ephesians 4 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. We need to let go of all bitterness and all grudges and all thoughts of revenge.
Romans 12 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
We need to learn how to deal with any anger we may have in Christ-like ways.
Ephesians 4 26 ‘In your anger do not sin’: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
Good News Bible If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day.
Whatever the cause of your anger, you need to sort the problem out.
New Living Translation: “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”
We need to make sure that we deal with our anger in appropriate ways. For a Christian the right response to anger is exercising self-control. Self control is one of the fruit of the Spirit. Paul reminded Timothy that God has given us a Spirit of Power and of Love and of Self-Discipline. We need God’s gift of self-control, the ability to control our feelings and overcome our weaknesses so that we can deal with our anger in the right ways.
So how should we cope when we are angry. And what could we say to somebody who is battling with anger? Let me conclude with a few words of practical advice.
Step 1 – take things slowly.
James 1 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires
“Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.” The very first thing we should do when we recognise we are getting angry is just slow down. Think before we speak. Engage brain before engaging mouth. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something we’ll later regret. We need to take a few moments to collect our thoughts before saying anything and allow other people involved to do the same.
This is why many people recommend counting to five or to ten when we are angry. Our pulse and breathing can be racing and taking a few slow deep breaths can help calm us down. Maybe even give yourself a time out. Some people find that humour can help diffuse a tense situation. Use relaxation skills, deep breathing and gentle music to help you relax.
Step 2 – pray!
I put praying second because, although it is certainly the most important thing to do, in the heat of rage we don’t always have the presence of mind to stop and pray.
Step 3 – find ways forward.
Later, when you are ready, it is good to look for some practical solutions to the situation which is making you angry. Bitterness and holding a grudge are damaging. So we should work towards forgiving the other person.
In the long term, we may need to recognise when it is time to ask for help. If you are struggling with anger issues, or your temper is hurting people around you, talk to a friend or to a minister. If necessary be willing to seek professional help from therapists.
We all get angry sometimes. But we should deal with our anger in Christlike ways. Take things slowly. Pray. Find ways forward. Forgive.
Ephesians 4 26 ‘In your anger do not sin’: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
Good News Bible If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day.
New Living Translation: “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”

What could I say? How to help other people? Here are some general principles linked to our sermon series on how to deal with specific pastoral issues, including guilt, anxiety, failure, fear, anger and bereavement.

Ephesians 4:11-16
11 So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, 12 to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

“Pastoral care is not “the care the Pastor gives” but instead the kind of care all Christians should give to each other obeying the commands to love one another and to love our neighbours. “Each part in its own special way helps the other parts, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.” (Ephesians 4:16 Living Bible)
Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.
Christians are able to “bear one another’s burdens” in ways that other people cannot. People can help each other in all kinds of practical ways, but our caring becomes explicitly Christian when we share Jesus with them. We do that very often through our words as well as our actions.

What are our aims as we try to help people through their problems?
Short term
Matthew 11:28-30. 28 ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’
We begin helping by sharing the other person’s burdens. But our aim is not to carry other people’s burdens forever, but rather to introduce them to Jesus the burden-bearer. “I know a Man who can!”
Long term
Colossians 1:28-29. He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. 29 To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.
We want to help people to become “fully mature in Christ” – not dependent on us, or going their own way alone, but relying on Jesus for themselves, “a mature individual in union with Christ” (Good News Bible).

What do we actually DO to help people?
Prayer
Pray for yourself, pray for them, and offer to pray with them. Ask others to pray too respecting limits of confidentiality.

The Bible
Find out what God wants to say to their situation. Read Christian books, look at reliable websites and ask advice (e.g. from your Minister) so that you will be able to give the best help that you can.

The Holy Spirit – relying on God to help you to help them.
Be open to spiritual gifts of prophecy, knowledge and wisdom so that you can bring them GOD’s answers, not your own.

Asking the right questions – to encourage them to share freely.

Listening – take time to listen attentively and sensitively to their problems

Acceptance
So that the person knows that somebody else cares and understands their situration. In “the priesthood of all believers” we represent God to them. Our actions assure them that God loves, accepts and (where relevant) forgives them.

THINGS NOT TO DO
DO NOT criticise or be judgemental.
DO NOT assume that “you understand” their problem.
DO NOT offer simplistic answers.
DO NOT rush them – go at their pace.

Healing –
Remember that we are not only offering human help and solutions. We are there representing Christ to bring God’s healing into their minds and hearts.

What kinds of things could I say?
Testimonies of your own experiences, or of friends, or from books, videos etc. Relevant Bible passages IF they are believers. Point them to useful books and reliable websites.

Finding a way ahead.
Many people who share their problems are looking for help in making choices and finding a way out of their problem or the best way forward for them in their situation. It is not your role to impose a solution upon them, but rather to help them to find their own solution. You cannot lift their burden, but Christ can. Help them to reach out for HIS help. This sometimes includes helping people to recognise and come to terms with situations where there is actually nothing they can do but rely on God’s grace and strength. See Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.

Referral – be the link in the chain if they need specialist help.

Among the circumstances where the help of the Minister must be obtained are
any problems connected with major illness or accident, and prayers for healing; bereavement;
family breakdown;
matters related to sex including child abuse;
alcohol or drugs;
crime;
debt;
psychiatric problems;
any aspect of the occult;
any deep spiritual problems.

Everybody must always inform the Minister and Elders before offering care and ministry himself/herself to anyone in any of these Problem Areas. This is very important 1. For safeguarding, 2. To prevent unnecessary duplication of effort, 3. To prevent problems which can arise through inexperienced counselling, and 4. For your own protection.

Confidentiality
Keep confidences, but be ready to seek help if YOU need it to help the person.
Any matters discussed with the Minister remain confidential to him, although he reserves the right to seek the advice of specialists completely outside the church if necessary. Any confidential matters discussed with anybody else, may be shared with the Minister but not with anybody else within or outside the church. That includes not sharing with your own spouse or partner. Willingness to abide by these limits of confidentiality is an essential requirement for helping other people.
A person who requests help on the basis that ‘‘The Minister is not allowed to know’’ should NOT be helped but referred immediately to the Minister. This principle is entirely for your protection. Otherwise you might find yourself in the dangerous and intolerable situation of needing to refer a person elsewhere but being prevented from doing so because that would breach confidentiality.
Pastoral Care and Gossip are mutually exclusive. If remarks or accusations are made about another person’s problems or conduct, the speaker must be invited to repeat them in that person’s presence as soon as practical and such matters should be referred to the Minister. If an issue of safeguarding comes to light you should follow the church’s safeguarding procedures urgently.

THEORY INTO PRACTICE
We learn the skills of how to bear one another’s burdens” by supporting each other as friends in Home Groups and in the church. The starting point for caring for others in this way is allowing others to care for us. Being prepared to open up and be vulnerable to other Christians not only helps us with our burdens, but also allows them to learn how to help others.

I suffer from scyphophobia, also known as cnidarophobia. I am terrified of jellyfish. I have been for most of my life. For many years that fear stopped me swimming in the sea, or even paddling. My fear is probably excessive, but it has two roots. The first was reading in the comic Eagle about the Portuguese man o’ war, a marine creature with a sting powerful enough even to kill human beings. The bladder which floats on the top of the water can be a foot long, but its poisonous tentacles can be up to a hundred feet long so it can sting you when it is still too far away for you to have seen it. I know now the Portuguese man o’ war is not really a jellyfish at all but rather a colonial hydrozoan, and that they almost never arrive in the seas around Britain, but that doesn’t stop me being scared of jellyfish. Because when I was around seven I encountered a jellyfish on a beach in South Wales and I kicked it with my bare foot. It stung me. And it hurt. A lot. Since then I have been very afraid of jellyfish.

Fear is in itself perfectly healthy. It is both an emotional and a rational response to protect us from perceived dangers. Fear can produce the same physical symptoms as anxieties, such as accelerated heart rate, trembling or shaking, shortness of breath and nausea. Fear can trigger a “fight or flight” response. But fear becomes bad when it is excessive or unwarranted. Most people are afraid of something. Some have fears of animals, of dogs or of spiders or snakes. Some people have environmental phobias, of the dark or of confined spaces or of open spaces or of heights or of germs. Some experience fear in particular situations, such as flying or going to the dentist. Some people suffer from social anxiety disorder, which makes them especially anxious in social situations, or afraid of strangers or of speaking in front of other people. Most phobias can be cured, often using desensitisation therapy.

What could I say to somebody who is burdened by fears? We should never criticise or laugh at others who have a fear of something which we do not have. Rather we should support and comfort them. Prayer will help – praying for them and offering to pray with them. A friend drawing alongside can be particularly helpful in encouraging a person to confront and overcome their fears. Most of the time our fears are rooted in what we are worried might happen in some particular situation. Sometimes those anxieties are reasonable and rational. Sometimes they are not. If a particular fear is unwarranted or completely irrational we can sometimes help a person to recognise that. Sometimes we can’t.

Discussing the person’s fears to discover whether there is a root cause can also be helpful. Often fears are associated with (possibly forgotten) events in the past and even in their childhood. But be careful as you explore such things with somebody. Sometimes childhood experiences can trap a person in an irrational and extreme fear where they continue as an adult to react to particular circumstances or objects as they did when they were children. In such cases professional counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy can be particularly helpful in leading the person to react to the stimulus as an adult and not with the response they learned as a child.

There is another possible underlying cause for fear. I didn’t mention it when we talked about guilt and anxiety because it is very rarely manifested in those problems. But when somebody is fighting a losing battle with fears, especially if they are experiencing dreams which are leaving them terrified, then we must also consider the possibility that the origin of their fears is demonic. For that reason it is important that people who are struggling with fear are encouraged to seek the help of a minister, if only to rule out any demonic activity.

For Christians the ultimate solution to all our fears is God’s love and protection.

1 John 4 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear

We are always completely safe in God’s love, which is why I will spend the rest of our time encouraging us with scriptures which help us not to fear. The Bible speaks of fear or being afraid more than 500 times. Time after time God says to his people, “do not fear” or “do not be afraid.” Let’s be clear. When the Bible says “fear not”, or “do not be afraid” those are not commands we have to obey. We are not sinning when we are afraid. Those phrases are instead exhortations, encouragements to a course of action. Some preachers will tell you that God says “fear not” 365 times in the Bible, once for every day of the year. When you look you will find that they either aren’t very good at translating or else they can’t actually count. But it is true that there are plenty of places where God says, “do not fear” or “do not be anxious”. There are also plenty of other places where God promises his wonderful peace which passes understanding to everybody who puts their trust in him. Between those you can certainly find a reassuring and inspiring verse for every day of the year. So let’s take a few minutes to be encouraged by the Word of God to face any fears we may ourselves experience. We might like to memorise some of these verses for ourselves. And we can share these verses with anybody we are talking to who is trapped in their fears.

We can start with God’s word’s through his prophet Moses to the people of Israel as they stood on the side of the Red Sea with the Egyptian armies racing towards them ready to kill them.

Exodus 14:13 Moses answered the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.’

Whenever we are afraid, whatever battles we may be facing, we can turn to God and ask him to fight on our behalf.

Hear too God’s words through the prophet Isaiah to his chosen people as they were taken into Exile in Babylon. They are God’s words to his people in every generation.
Isaiah 43:1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel:
‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour;
I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

Whenever we are afraid, whatever it may be we are afraid of, we can take courage from the certainty that God is with us always. He will never fail us or forsake us.

Isaiah 54 4 ‘Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

Remember how afraid the disciples were when they were in the middle of a terrifying storm on the Sea of Galilee and Jesus was asleep in the back of the boat.

Mark 4 35 …. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, ‘Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?’
39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!’ Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
40 He said to his disciples, ‘Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?’
41 They were terrified and asked each other, ‘Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!’

Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms us from within. Whatever our situation, God is with us. Jesus can always bring us his peace as we put our trust in him. In the Upper Room, Jesus made this promise to his disciples.

John 14 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Then, after the crucifixion when the disciples were afraid, Jesus appeared to them to bring them his peace.

John 20 19 On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’ 20 After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.

Sometimes following Jesus will bring opposition and persecution. The Risen Christ had this message for the church in Smyrna.
Revelation 2 8 ‘To the angel of the church in Smyrna write:
These are the words of him who is the First and the Last, who died and came to life again. 9 I know your afflictions and your poverty—yet you are rich! I know about the slander of those who say they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan. 10 Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown.

When we look, the Bible is actually full of testimonies of people who have been delivered from their fears by God.

Psalm 23 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,
for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 56 3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
4 In God, whose word I praise— in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?

God’s presence releases us from our fears, as we saw in our reading from Psalm 27.
Psalm 27 1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? ….
5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

So whenever we are afraid we should seek God.
7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD; be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’ Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Saviour.

We can all put our trust in God and his protection to keep us safe from our fears.
Psalm 46 1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

We can always put our trust in God’s faithfulness and loving-kindness to protect us.
Psalm 91 1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

Hebrews 13 6 So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?’ (quotes Psalm 118:6-7)

As with our anxieties, when we are struggling with any fears we should always bring them to God in prayer.

Isaiah 26 3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
4 Trust in the LORD for ever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal

So we should bring all our fears to God in prayer.
Philippians 4 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Richard Osman is a television presenter and producer. He helped invent and produce programmes such as “Deal or No Deal” and “8 Out Of 10 Cats”. Now he appears every weekday with Alexander Armstrong presenting Pointless on BBC1 and he has his own daily quiz show Richard Osman’s House of Games on BBC2. His first novel The Thursday Murder Club has sold more than a million copies and the sequel is selling even faster. Recently on his episode of Desert Island Discs Richard Osman said this. “Almost everything you ever do is going to fail.”
This evening we are going to think about dealing with failure. We are not talking tonight about moral failures. We’ve already discussed how we can deal with guilt. We said then that the answer to our moral failures, our sins, is God’s forgiveness which we can receive through repentance. Tonight we are looking at a different issue. We live in a world which is obsessed with success, so people face a different challenge. How do we cope with “failing to succeed”? What we can do when we have tried to do something but we have failed to achieve it. How can we cope when we have failed? And what could we say to somebody else who is struggling with failure?
We all have experiences of failure. We lose a sports match or play badly in a concert. Very few people get top marks in every exam. We fail to get the new job or the promotion we had set our heart on. We are involved in a car accident which was our fault. A relationship breaks down and we are to blame.
Often when we fail at something it won’t matter much. We will feel disappointed but we will find it easy just to move on. Sometimes the “failures” we are struggling with are not even genuine, but rather instead only perceived as failure in the eyes of other people or even in our own eyes. Sometimes we can be burdened because we are overreacting to our failure. Sometimes our response to failure can be unwarranted or exaggerated, as we saw with guilt and anxiety. If our response to a particular failure is excessive or unrealistic we need to recognise that we are over-reacting. If we are helping a friend, we need to help them to come to that realisation.
On the other hand, sometimes our failures can have far-reaching and even life-changing consequences. Experiences of failure can leave people discouraged and depressed and with low self-esteem. When they have failed at something, some people become too scared to attempt to do things in future. We will talk about these issues shortly. But we need to begin by making a few very important statements.
1 – Failure is always a part of everybody’s life
This modern materialistic world’s obsession with success has only been fuelled by the rise in social media, Facebook and blogs and Instagram and Tiktok. Far too many people have totally unrealistic expectations about what their lives will be like and how successful they are going to be. We need to start by recognising that there is a measure of truth in Richard Osman’s words. “Almost everything you ever do is going to fail.” We all need to learn how to cope with failure, because all of us are inevitably going to fail for some of the time in some of the things we attempt. Apart from anything else, nobody is brilliant at everything. Sometimes we all need to have a try at things we are not good at. Problems can often arise when people have unrealistic expectations of how successful they will be. Those pressures can come from other people. Parents can sometimes put pressures on their children, not only in terms of academic or sporting or musical achievements but also in terms of expected behaviour. Teenagers and students can put pressure on their peers. But we can also put pressure on ourselves if we demand of ourselves more than we are capable of achieving. We need to learn an honest assessment of our capabilities. We may end up “failing” because the standards set by other people or even by ourselves are unreasonably or unrealistically high. May the Lord deliver us from ever asking more of ourselves than we are capable of achieving. It is vital to be open, honest and realistic about the goals we set ourselves, or that we allow others to set for us, and which we impose on others. There is no shame in failing to reach a goal which was beyond our skill or competence in the first place, or when the effort and energy necessary for success were unreasonably high. That is not a failure. To quote from that great theologian Clint Eastwood as Harry Callahan in the film Magnum Force, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”
From time to time, we also all need to learn, borrowing a sailing metaphor, to “cut ourselves some slack.” Sometimes we fail at something which would usually be within our capabilities because we are tired, or sick, or preoccupied, or not concentrating properly. Sometimes we fail because, in honesty, we didn’t try our best. In all those circumstances we should “cut ourselves some slack.” Everybody can have an off day. There are only a very limited number of situations in life where it is vital that people perform at the very best of their ability all of the time. Although we will always try to be conscientious, we need to accept that for most of the time “good enough is good enough”. Then there is a second vital truth to declare.
2 – Christians are not immune or exempt from failing
Only God succeeds all the time. God is the only being who never fails to accomplish what He sets out to do. Everybody fails sometimes, even Christians, however hard or however “spiritually” we may try! We need to say a few things about the greatest heresy of our generation, the false gospel of health, wealth and prosperity. Some Christians mistakenly believe that it is God’s purpose for them that they will always succeed in everything they do. You see posters and bumper stickers saying things like “Unstoppable Achiever,” “With Jesus I Will Always Win,” and “Your Success Is Determined by Your Faith,” Preachers will sell false promises, “Say it; do it; receive it; tell it.” “What I confess, I possess.” “Name it and claim it!”
The kinds of blessings the prosperity false gospel promises are NOT the kind of blessings God promises to Christian believers. Those wrong ideas often take Old Testament promises about the blessings which the nation of Israel was going to enjoy when they took possession of the promised land and applies those promises out of context to the lives of individual Christians. Worse than that, such empty promises of success encourage people to come to God for what they get from him – to seek the gifts instead of the Giver. When the blessings don’t come as the evangelist has promised, many folk then fall away from faith, or just as bad, are overwhelmed by guilt that they have “failed” to have enough faith. The false prosperity gospel is simply wrong – it is not biblical. So what does the Bible really say about success?
There are a few verses that appear to promise success to God’s people.
Proverbs 2 6 For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose way of life is blameless, 8 for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.
These verses could be taken to imply that as long as a person is upright and living blamelessly, faithfully serving God, then they will always be successful. Some people understand our reading from Psalm 20 to promise that as long as people are putting their trust in God, they will always succeed in everything that they do.
Psalm 20 4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.
It is one thing to pray that God will bless our endeavours, but quite another to assume that God’s answer will always be “yes”. These verses do not give a cast-iron guarantee that Christians will never fail. Christians are not immune or exempt from failure. God does not expect us to be successful all the time.
We looked this morning at the parable of the three servants with the bags of gold, which is often known as the parable of the talents. Even this doesn’t show that God demands that we succeed all the time. The two servants who doubled their master’s money were not commended for being “successful” but for being good and faithful, reliable and trustworthy. The third who just hid his bag of gold in the ground was not condemned for failing, but for not even trying. Let me say it again – God does not expect us always to succeed! Then there is a third general principle we should always bear in mind.
3 – It is possible to make no errors and still not to succeed.
Sometimes we fail to accomplish something when it’s not our fault. To support that assertion I quote Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek: the Next Generation.
“It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.”
We are not guaranteed success just because we make the right choices. And failure is not always caused by making the wrong choices. The reality is that in everybody’s lives sometimes things can and do go less than perfectly even when we do everything right. For Christians, sometimes this is because of satanic opposition. Sometimes this is because we live in a fallen world. Mostly this is because we follow the Servant King whose victory and glory came through submission and suffering and sacrifice and powerlessness. Doing the right thing does not guarantee success. Just because we have not been successful, that does not mean we have done something wrong. That would be the logical fallacy of the excluded middle.
This really matters especially for Christians and churches as we seek to serve God living by faith not by sight, for the following reason. It can appear as though the only way that we can know we have done God’s will and made the right choices in a particular situation is that the outcome is successful. We will often look for success to validate the choices we have made. As the number of choices continually increases, deciding between them becomes harder and harder. But relying on levels of success as a measure of whether we are actually doing the right thing or not is inevitably a recipe for disaster! We need better ways of discerning God’s will than just looking at the outcome. Doing the right thing is never a guarantee of success. “It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.”
4 – We should not let fear of failure stop us from trying
Failure will always be a possibility in everything we do. But in spite of that fear, we should not give up aiming for success. We should never use failure as an excuse for not trying again.
In the film Batman Begins, Alfred the faithful valet says to Bruce Wayne aka Batman, “Why do we fall down? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.”
After the catastrophic failures of denying Jesus three times, the apostle Peter did not give up following Jesus. God will always pick us up and enable us to try again.
People often refer to the great inventor Thomas Edison as an example for trying again. He performed 50,000 experiments before he succeeded in producing a battery. Somebody asked him if he was ever discouraged by those failures. Edison replied, “Why, I know 50,000 things that won’t work.” In 2014 his factory was damaged by a fire and Edison lost almost $1 million worth of equipment and the records of much of his work. The next morning, the 67-year-old inventor said: “There is value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Now we can start anew.” Three weeks after the fire, Edison managed to produce the first phonograph.
It was Henry Ford who said that failure was the “opportunity to begin again, more intelligently.” We must not let “fear of failure” or “fear of making mistakes” pressurise us. We need to recognise that sometimes “doing enough” is preferable to “doing our best”. “A good solution today is better than the perfect solution tomorrow.” We should resist pressures from unrealistic or unreasonable expectations which guarantee stress, failure and disappointment! In today’s world, if we have failed it can be too easy just to give up trying. Somebody called John Gardner once said, “One of the reasons why mature people stop growing and learning is that they become less and less willing to risk failure.”
David Prior wrote, “(Jesus) took the risk of being open with people with the love of God: many responded favorably, many did not. If, then, we live in the love of God and listen to the Word of God, we will meet constant failure. It will be tempting, because we live in such a results-dominated society, to see failure as reprehensible and therefore to be avoided. One way to avoid failure is to call it a mistake—and then to try to eliminate any mistakes, to make sure we get things right and that we succeed. Many local churches base their activities on such priorities and virtually reject anything that is at all risky, because “we cannot afford to make mistakes.” Which leads us to one last important point to make.

5 – Our self-esteem and self-worth should not be tied up in success or failure, but rest in the God’s love for us.
There is a world of difference between saying “I have failed once, or three times, or a hundred times” and saying “I am a failure.” The greatest problem with the world’s obsession with success is that it is too easy for us to allow our successes and our failures to determine our self-esteem and our self-worth. The problem is made worse by the false gods of our age, Money, Entertainment and Celebrity, channelled through social media. Failures can lead people into discouragement and depression. This can be just as much a trap for Christians and for churches.
We are not better people when we succeed. We are not worse people when we fail. It is true that many things in life can become easier if a person is very successful at some things. The downside of that is that it is also the case that great success can increase the pressures to keep on succeeding, and sometimes make failures in that field or in unrelated areas of life appear even more damaging. But everybody needs to be helped to find their self-esteem and self-worth in something other than their successes. We need to be freed from the tyranny of needing always to be successful. Human beings find our dignity and self-worth in the fact that God has created us and God loves us so much that he gave his only Son Jesus Christ to die for our sins. Whether we succeed or whether we fail, God loves us just as much. We are still as precious in his eyes.
So what could we say to other people about dealing with failure? The truth is that failure is always a part of everybody’s life. Christians are not immune or exempt from failing and the mistaken idea that “Christians always succeed” is part of the heresy of the “health, wealth and prosperity gospel”. We should always remember and help other people to realise that it is possible to make no errors and still not to succeed. We should not let fear of failure stop us from trying. Ultimately our self-esteem and self-worth should not be tied up in our successes and failures. We can rest in the love God has for us which never lets us go. Even when we fail, Christians can always find peace and comfort in God’s never-failing love. We all need to learn that God does not expect us always to succeed. And God loves us every bit as much as much even when we fail!

What could I say? We are looking at a number of pastoral issues which different people struggle with. In each case we are asking two questions. What does the Bible have to say on the subject and how does the Bible help? This will be useful to anybody who is battling with that particular issue. And then we will think about what could we say as Christians to help somebody else who is wrestling with that problem? This will help us to help other people. Last week we thought about dealing with guilt. This week our subject is anxiety. How should we cope with worries? And what could we say to somebody who is burdened with anxiety?
Worry is that sense of insecurity, unease, and fear over what might happen in the future. It can be a very unpleasant emotion. Worries are a natural part of everybody’s life. Their beneficial function is to help us to think ahead so that we can cope better with all kinds of situations and avoid lots of problems. Worrying is useful when it stirs us into appropriate actions. But inappropriate or excessive worrying can impair our functioning and even leave us incapable of responding to genuine problems.
In general conversation people tend to use the words worry and anxiety, being worried and being anxious to mean the same thing. Counsellors and therapists tend to make a distinction to say that worrying is normal and neutral and harmless but anxiety is a bad and damaging thing. Sometimes our worries are rational. At other times some people have worries which are completely irrational. Sometimes our worries are completely unrealistic. As we saw last week about guilt, sometimes worry is unwarranted, or inappropriate. Sometimes worry is exaggerated or disproportionate. Sometimes worrying can become damaging and debilitating. When it gets out of control, this chronic worrying is given the label of anxiety.

Anxiety presents itself in a number of common signs and symptoms. These include feeling nervous, or restless or tense. Having an increased heart rate and/or breathing rapidly. Sweating or trembling. Feeling weak or tired. Feeling a sense of impending danger, or panic or doom. Having trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present cause of concern. Sometimes people experience what are termed anxiety attacks. More generally, anxiety can affect a person’s self esteem and their mental health. It contributes to stress and can cause burn-out. Anxiety is aggravated by all the pressures of modern life and particularly by rapid changes.

People worry about different things. One survey by the Daily Mail compiled a list of the Top 10 things people worry about, starting with the greatest. 1 Work. 2 Money. 3 Being late. 4 A friend or relative’s health. 5 Our own health. 6 Relationships 7 Missing a plane or bus. 8 Not waking up to our alarm. 9 Our appearance. and 10 our family’s safety.
Another survey found that the top worry people had was just about generally growing old and about what life will be like in retirement, and about the prospect of death. That survey also said that with regard to work, people worry about job security, especially if their job becomes more demanding or is going badly. People worry about changing jobs or finding a new job or meeting work deadlines. As far as money is concerned many people are worried about paying their bills, particularly the rent or the mortgage, in the face of increasing costs and inflation. They worry about debts and credit card bills, about their savings and their financial future. In relationships people worry about whether their partner still loves them, Whether they will find the right partner or whether they are with the right partner. Am I a good parent? Am I raising my children properly? People worry about a friend or family member they’ve fallen out with.. People can be worried not only about their immediate health but also the long-term expectations of their own health, and as well the health of loved ones, including pets. As far as appearance goes, many people are worried about their body shape, or their diet. People worry about wrinkles or ageing appearance and whether or not they are attractive. Especially as folk get older, many are worried about the area they live in and particularly about crime.

So if you find that you are worried about any of the things I have just mentioned – take comfort. You are not alone! Studies show that at any one time maybe as many as 1 in 12 people are struggling with serious anxiety.

So what could I say? When we are trying to help somebody who is trapped and burdened with anxiety, we will begin by listening sensitively to their problems so that they know that somebody else cares and understands. This is the starting point to “bear one another’s burdens”. We will pray for them and offer to pray with them. Next, we will try to help them recognise that some of their problems may be apparent but not real. We will try to help them to stop worrying about things that are not worth worrying about. We will want to reassure them that worry is NOT a sin. Being anxious is NOT a “lack of faith”. We must make absolutely sure that we NEVER add to the burdens other people are facing by making them feel guilty that they are worrying!

Then we will try to help the person to find the right way forward for them in their situations. Sometimes this may include helping them to recognise and come to terms with situations where there is actually nothing they can do. But often when somebody is worrying about something, the difficulty is that their anxiety is preventing them from seeing the obvious solution to their problem. So we help them to find practical answers to their situation. Their solutions – not the solutions we might impose.
For example, when worries are about money or debt the best thing to do is to work through the person’s finances with them so that they have an accurate picture of their situation. If you don’t know how to do that with them yourself, ask a friend who does, or point them to Citizens’ Advice Bureau or to one of the Christian groups which can help, like Christians Against Poverty. Often the financial problem is not as big as the person thinks it is. Then help them create a plan and a budget to help with their immediate financial situation and with longer term planning. When a person is feeling anxious then seeing a way forward is very helpful.
When a person is feeling anxious about their job, good communication with their employer is vital. Sometimes extra training can help, or clearer expectations. Sometimes the support of a friend who is in the same line of work can really help, especially somebody who has aleady battled through the same challenges and succeeded. Or sometimes the best advice can be that the person should start looking for a different job, but ideally not leaving where they are until they have found one.
Very many people, some would say half of us all, worries about personal relationships. These can be romantic relationships, or relationships with family, or friends, or colleagues or neighbours. In any relationship, good communication is essential. If a person is worrying about a particular relationship, talking through their concerns with a trusted friend can often help. Don’t be slow to suggest that a person struggling in a relationship might benefit from a discussion with the minister. Sometimes the best way forward will be professional relationship counselling, and not just for couples but in some circumstances for families too.
When people are worrying about their health or that of their loved ones and even of their pets, do encourage them to consult the relevant professionals. When they are worried, some people become too scared to go to the doctor. Nowadays the abundance of medical advice on the internet can actually aggravate that problem. People become worried that they are suffering from all kinds of weird illnesses when usually a visit to the doctor would give them peace of mind, some simple medication and a rapid cure. If people do become ill, we must stand by them and support them through any treatments they might need. And if their deepest worry is about dying, we can sensitively share with them our Christian hope.
I have one more practical suggestion for all kinds of anxiety, especially if people are experiencing what are called anxiety attacks, with rapid breathing or elevated heartrate. You can learn a variety of coping techniques, from breathing exercises to taking a walk to meditation to stroking the dog or the cat. With practice these and other techniques can help people regain their calm and tranquillity and help people to see their problems and worries in proper perspective.
What could I say? When a person is gripped by anxiety we will try to help them to work through their worries. Where possible we will help them to find practical solutions and to practice helpful coping strategies. We will also be ready to encourage them to find help from whichever professionals are relevant to the issues they are grappling with. If nothing we say or do seems to be helping, then we will definitely want to refer our friend to professional help of their GP, or an anxiety counsellor or a clinical psychologist. Of course, all of these suggestions are things which any person could offer to another friend. So are there any distinctive things which Christians can say and do to help a friend trapped by anxiety?

We should point people to what Jesus said about worry and anxiety.

Matthew 6 25 ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Jesus said that we should not worry about material things like food and clothing, because God knows what we need and he will never fail to provide for us. More than that, Jesus said,

27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Worrying does not accomplish anything. Instead we should simply put all our trust in God.

28 ‘And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith. 31 So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

Again Jesus is saying that God our loving heavenly Father will provide for all our needs.

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Frequently people find themselves worrying about what is going to happen in the future. They worry about things which they can’t do anything about. Often it turns out, the things they were worrying about never actually happen. Another survey looked in detail at the things people are anxious about. It found that
40% of people are worrying about things that will never happen.
30% are things about the past that cannot be changed .
12% are things arising from criticisms by others, which are mostly untrue.
10% are worries about health, which only gets worse with stress and worry.
In only 8% of cases are people worrying about real problems that actually have to be faced.

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Jesus encourages us all not to worry. So does the apostle Peter.

1 Peter 5 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

We had a whole sermon on this verse last summer. It is a wonderful promise to cling to and well worth learning off by heart.

Good News Translation “Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.”

J.B. Phillips “You can throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon him”

We can give all our worries and anxieties to God because he cares for us. He loves us with a love which never lets us go. In the midst of our worries we can experience God’s amazing peace. For that we need to bring all our anxieties to God in our prayers.

Philippians 4 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

We need not be anxious because we can always pray. This is a present imperative, keep on presenting your requests to God. Not just one prayer but continuing praying, persisting in prayer. Keep on handing your anxieties to God in prayer.

Message Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray.

For Christians, God’s answer to anxiety is prayer. I read this slogan on Facebook this week.
“Worry is a conversation you have with yourself about things you cannot change.
Prayer is a conversation you have with God about things He can change.”

As we hand our anxieties over to God, his wonderful peace will guard our hearts and minds.

Sometimes we can help people find their way through their anxieties. Sometimes nothing we can say or do seems to make a difference and they need professional help. We can cast our cares on the Lord in prayer, trusting in God’s provision, faithfulness and love, and this can help us as Christians to cope with anxiety. But sometimes there are problems which have no solutions and anxieties which seem impossible to let go of. If we are anxious about something which we cannot do anything at all about, we need to learn to let it go. For situations like that, I leave you with this short but profound prayer.

God grant me
the strength to change the things I can change,
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen

What could I say? This evening we are beginning a series looking at a number of pastoral issues which different people struggle with. We are going to consider the topics of guilt, anxiety, failure, fears and grief. In each case we will be asking two questions. What does the Bible have to say on the subject and how does the Bible help? This will be useful to anybody who is battling with that particular issue. And then we will think about what could we say as Christians to help somebody else who is wrestling with that problem? This will help us to help other people.
The overarching theme is pastoral care. Pastoral care is not “the care the pastor gives” but the care every Christian should show for other people. Jesus calls his followers to love each other with the same kind of love as he has shown for us. How as Christians do we play our part in looking after each other in the church? How can we care for each other, and share our lives together, and bear one another’s burdens, in practice? In a few weeks we will have a special session when we will consider the general principles of how Christians can help and support each other. This evening we will begin with our first specific topic, which is guilt. What can I say if somebody is burdened with guilt?
The word guilt refers to two different things. In the first sense, guilt refers to the fact of having committed a specified or implied offence or crime or injury, or of failing to fulfil some obligation or promise. When we have done wrong, we are morally guilty for our sins before God, as well as potentially legally guilty for crimes against human laws. How do people deal with being guilty?
The solution to our status of guilt is repentance leading to forgiveness. We must acknowledge that we have done wrong and confess our sin to receive God’s forgiveness. We should also seek to be reconciled to any persons we have wronged. Then we must also come to forgive ourselves.
In the second sense, guilt refers to the normal and natural feeling of remorse or unhappiness or worry or shame from something we have done or failed to do. How should people deal with feeling guilty? We are created with consciences so that when we do something wrong we will feel guilty, and our conscience will bring us to repentance for our actions. Such feelings of guilt are both rational and emotional. People who are feeling guilty because they have done wrong need to be encouraged to confession and repentance – that is the purpose of feeling guilty. Paul wrote to the Corinthians about “godly sorrow that leads to repentance”
2 Corinthians 7 8 Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.

When we have done something wrong the most important thing is to seek God’s forgiveness. But how can we know for sure that God WILL forgive us? And how can we help other people to experience God’s forgiveness for themselves?

Isaiah 55 6 Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
God’s forgiveness is unconditional. Remember the words of Jesus to the woman caught in the act of adultery.
John 8:11 … “neither do I condemn you,’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Prayers of confession deal with our status of guilt but they also deal with our feelings of being guilty. We should confess our own sins, and we can point other people to the value of confession if they are feeling guilty.
1 John 1 8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
The act of confession brings us assurance that God has indeed forgiven us.
Psalm 32 1 Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the one whose sin the LORD does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.
We can be assured that God has forgiven us. And we can assure other people that they can claim God’s promises to forgive them too. But sometimes people struggle with believing that God has forgiven them. In that situation it can be very helpful to confess our sins to another Christian, a friend or sometimes a minister although it doesn’t have to be a minister of course.
James 5 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
When somebody confesses their sins to us, we can declare to them that God has forgiven them. This will give the person assurance that that God has indeed forgiven them. To help us receive and embrace God’s forgiveness, Jesus invites us to the Lord’s Supper. Receiving the bread and wine at communion unites believers with Jesus’s death and resurrection and gives us the greatest assurance of God’s pardon.

God’s forgiveness deals with us being guilty. And if our wrongdoing has affected other people, it is important to seek their forgiveness as well
Matthew 5 23 ‘Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
In helping other people who are struggling with guilt, it can be helpful to encourage them to seek reconciliation with anybody they have hurt or offended. However it is important to stress that God forgives them, even if the other person does not or cannot.
Note that Jesus says, “if your brother has something against you”. It is not about our feelings towards other people but how they feel about us. That does mean that if the other person is not aware that you have done anything wrong, it may not always be helpful or necessary to burden them with knowing that you have.
Sometimes people say, “I know God has forgiven me, and I know the people I have hurt have forgiven me, but I just can’t forgive myself.” Again, we will need to reassure such people that they are indeed forgiven, and so now their conscience can be clear. If God no longer condemns us, we should not condemn ourselves.
1 John 3 19 This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: 20 if our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 21 Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God.
So this is how guilt should work. When we stand guilty of some sin or offence, our conscience gives us feelings of guilt. These bring us to confession and repentance and receiving forgiveness from God. These guilty feelings also prompt us to seek reconciliation with others. When all of that has worked properly, our conscience will be clear and our feelings of guilt and shame should then go away. We will be left with memories which will help us to avoid falling into the same sins again but we will receive God’s peace which passes all understanding. That is how guilt should work.
Sadly, sometimes in some people the mechanism of guilt can go wrong. Sometimes people can feel guilty when actually they have nothing wrong – that is called unwarranted guilt. Or sometimes great feelings of guilt can be totally out of proportion to the small seriousness of the thing they have done wrong – that is called exaggerated guilt. Sometimes feelings of guilt can become detached from any actual wrongdoings. Guilt can lead to a very generalised feeling of not being a good person, or feeling like a failure, or feeling that you let other people down all the time, or a preoccupation with past mistakes. This is called free-floating, or toxic guilt.

Unwarranted guilt or exaggerated guilt or toxic guilt can show itself in all kinds of symptoms, such as anxiety, discouragement, crying, shame, insomnia, fatigue, stomach problems or difficulty in concentrating. Guilt can even lead to depression, self-loathing and suicidal thoughts. Such problems due to misplaced feelings of guilt may have roots in events in the past, even so long ago that we have forgotten what actually occurred and are just left with residual feelings. It may be to do with the way other people have treated us in the past, especially our parents or our peers, often in teenage years. Sometimes religion can lead to feelings of guilt. Unwarranted and exaggerated guilt may come from unrealistically high expectations of ourselves. Toxic guilt can emerge when victims who should rightly be angry and blaming others for things they have suffered turn their anger inwards and wrongly blame themselves. Sometimes people feel guilty about things over which they had no control and actually were not responsible for in any way – this is termed maladaptive guilt. Psychiatrists also recognise what they term “survivor guilt”, feelings which some people experience when they have come through some traumatic event like an accident or a fire where others have died or been terribly injured. Over the last two years many people have been experiencing “pandemic guilt.” Some have felt guilty because they have been doing fine while other have become desperately ill or lost their jobs or even their lives. Others have ended up feeling guilty from thinking they weren’t coping as well as they could have been. “Pandemic guilt.”
What can I say? How can we help people who are trapped by those unhelpful and damaging kinds of feelings of guilt? Talking helps. In cases of inappropriate guilt, the person needs to be helped to see their situation as it really is. They don’t need somebody telling them what to do but they will be helped by a friend who listens and supports them in their struggles. They need help to let go of unwarranted or exaggerated or toxic guilt. So we should listen. We should pray for the person and we can offer to pray with the person. We can share Scriptures with them and we can share our testimonies of times God has forgiven us with them.
However, we must recognise that there will be some people who are trapped by guilt to such an extent that they cannot receive the assurance of pardon which usually comes through confession and repentance and reconciliation. If that is the case we should be ready to point somebody who is trapped by toxic guilt to professional counselling. Medications and cognitive behavioural therapy can usually help. We should also recognise that sometimes obsessive guilt can be a symptom of mental illness or various psychiatric disorders. If nothing we are saying is helping a person with their feelings of guilt, we must be ready to refer them to specialist help.
Summing up, if somebody is wrestling with guilt, what can we say? We begin by listening to them. We pray for them and with them. We should then encourage them to repentance and confession. We should encourage them to be reconciled to anybody they have hurt. We can assure them of God’s unconditional love and forgiveness. We can invite them to confess their sins to us and give them assurance of God’s pardon. If after we have said and done these things, the person is still burdened by feelings of guilt and cannot find any peace, or there are signs of depression, then we should recognise that their guilt may be unwarranted, exaggerated and even toxic. we should begin by encouraging the person to seek the help of somebody more experienced such as a minister. And we should be ready to point them to specialist help. All the while, we are still listening. And we are still praying.

If the burden of guilt is affecting you or somebody you know, do feel free to get in touch by email or Messenger.